Monday, June 18, 2012

Stang Retirement "News Release" Confession

 We hate to have to reveal this so soon, but the hoax (originally published ONLY on SubGenius sites) is already making the news -- which should tell you something about the dependability of the news.

That "news release" about Stang retiring was merely another in a series of SubIntelligence Tests: a Gullibility Test in this case. We truly thought it too preposterous for ANYBODY to believe. So, despite previous similar tests, we are again sincerely surprised to see how many, ahem, "SubGeniuses" failed utterly to see through what should have been grossly obvious as a put-on -- especially within the context of The Church of the SubGenius. Every now and then we do things like this to sweep out the wishful thinkers, Gimme-Bobs, the eagerly gullible and a new species: those too dumb EVEN to be a SubGenius (something we previously imagined to be a contradiction in terms).

Some folks can't handle or even recognize satire unless it has a laugh track or Smiley-Face icon attached to it, and those are NOT the kind of people that are going to benefit from "Bob's" Church; many such individuals have in fact become huge liabilities in times past. You might call it "Spring Cleaning." Weeding out the "believer" types and/or the Slacklessly judgmental -- or, rather, setting up a situation whereby they weed themselves out in reflex butthurt ragequitting -- increases the likelihood of the Xists coming through this year, FINALLY. For, as it says in The PreScriptures, "The Conclusion-Jumper shall be at The Judgment."

Again, for those with reading comprehension disabilities:

I, Stang, am not retiring; we just wanted to see how various people, especially certain chronically jealous haters, would react to a transparently absurd hoax. We were eager to see who would WANT to believe it.

The most hilariously indignant responses were selected for reading on HOUR OF SLACK #1365, aired last Sunday night. Special thanks to Dr. Legume for writing the news release, and to the chronic whiner who did everything he possibly could to get himself "banned," yet failed even at that. What he DID manage to do was inspire this particular test session.

There will be another pop quiz tomorrow.

For those who must have this sort of thing spelled out, the news about the SubGenius mom's missing child, and his subsequently being found, was NOT a hoax.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Rev. Ivan Stang announced today his retirement from the SubGenius Foundation, citing his ill demeanor and declining patience with internal conflict among the members of the SubGenius Church, appointing long-time collaborator Dr.K'taden Legume to the position of President and CEO of the Foundation.

Rev. Stang will continue to produce his nationally syndicated radio program, "The Hour of Slack", and attend personal speaking engagements. Rev.Stang later commented, "I'm sick to death of dealing with idiots when my time can be better spent attempting to capture the vicious Jaggi".

Dr.Legume immediately appointed Priestess Pisces as his VP, and stated that his first order of business is to examine the membership rolls and "weed out the dead weight and the malcontents".

Legume announced that there will be a huge addendum to the church's list of banned members prohibited from attending the SubGenius Foundation's annual X-Day event, to be released to the public on June 30.

"This is the beginning of a new era for the SubGenius Church", Legume stated earlier today, "My vision for the SubGenius Church is a radical departure from the tolerant policies of the past. While I expect it to be rough at the beginning as the flock gets used to the idea of a more controlled environment and more selective and stringent requirements for membership and participation in the SubGenius community, they will realize, that, as always, my way is the best way...the ONLY way. I expect this will be a new golden age for the SubGenius Church."

Dr.Legume will be receiving a six figure salary commensurate with his duties and experience.