BORN to Dr. Philo U. Drummond, Primary Subgenius Overman
Second Authorized MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Church of the SubGenius /Drummondian, and the beautiful Rev. Kaosmic-Kitty:
Lily KatBuck Drummond
TIME: 6:06 A.M.
REPEAT: 6:06 A/M.
Two strange events (besides "Bob's" signature on the time of her birth) mark this far-from-emaculate birth.
Prior to the birth, Dr. Drummond and the extremely pregnant Rev. Kaosmic-Kitty attended Annie Sprinkle's birthday party. Kaosmic-Kitty was scheduled to sing a song on the stage and so she did -- but in the middle of the cute little song, HER WATER BROKE! Yes, Rev. Kaosmic-Kitty stood there on the stage at Annie Sprinkle's bithday party, with water streaming down her legs, calling for a doctor. Instead she got a DOKTOR, her husband Dr. Philo Drummond -- in full-on OVERMAN TRANSFIGURATION MODE! The OverMan rushed to her side, REACHED UP HER DRESS, and extracted… A LITTLE STUFFED KITTY-CAT PLUSH-TOY! To the amazement of the crowd. SEE THE PHOTO HERE.
AFTER the birth, yesterday in fact, Dr. Drummond was taking his new child and fairly new wife to the pediatrician and was engaged in putting coins into a parking meter on the street outside the doctor's office when he was suddenly and completely randomly ATTACKED by a CRAZY DRUNK. One minute this lurching drunk is acting like he's about to ask for money and the next second the drunk SUDDENLY HITS PHILO IN THE JAW!
All the fight-or-fight reflex that one might expect from a new-father OverMan whose little family is being threatened ROARED INTO ACTION. "WHAT THE FUCK?" asks Philo, recovering, and as the drunk sees the bright firey red light emiting from Philo's eyes, he mutters something about being sorry and starts to flee. PHILO PURSUES THE INSANE DRUNK… in fact Philo catches up with him and starts thrashing the bastard. (Philo Drummond is in very good physical condition from incessant bike-riding in hilly countryside.) Philo, indeed, sees a tree that has various support-boards nailed to it, WRENCHES LOOSE ONE OF THESE BOARDS, and now threatens the insane, formerly-aggressive drunk with a NAIL-STUDDED BOARD, like a troll wielding a club. Philo then makes a snap decision to ROB the drunk and demands he empty his pockets. The drunk displays a dollar or so -- Philo SLAPS the money onto the ground and says "I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING MONEY!" and about then, the cops pull up.
Luckily the cops instantly detect the drunken condition of the fucked-up guy and beg Philo to press charges. The drunk is begging him not to so Philo DOES PRESS CHARGES.
The cops are happy, Philo goes to his pediatrician meeting with his wife and baby and the drunk is hauled off to jail.
Moral: DON''T FUCK WITH THE PHILO.